I Failed

There’s exactly one moment in my life that I didn’t want to look back. And if only it is possible to erase memories like that in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, it’s this very scene.

I failed my first job interview. 

I know this shouldn’t be a big deal. There’s always a 50/50 chance of getting hired and heck, some companies wouldn’t even bother letting you know if you have that chance or not.  Yet either way, you can just move on to your next prospect. 

But for me, it was a big deal. 

This certain company is a US-based structural design company here in the Philippines and is one of the most reputable firms to work for if you’re a civil engineer who wants to specialize in the structural design field. Knowing the international standards they have to adhere to, you have to jump over the high bar they have set for you to be able to penetrate their workforce. So high that they’re known for only choosing the best of the best. 

As someone who graduated with Latin honors and was hailed as one of the most outstanding civil engineering students in the Philippines, I knew back then that I have the edge. And boy did I get too excited when I was invited for the job interview. 

Days before the scheduled appointment, I did rigorous preparations as any fresh grads would do. I rehearsed myself with the common job interview questions, prepared the past design projects that could showcase my skills, and did a vigil to ask the heavens to shower luck on me. I knew back then that was my one and only shot and I have to give it all the best I can. 

The day of the interview came and anxiety started to creep in. But my caffeine-addicted ass tried to combat the nervousness with a cup of Kopiko Brown.

Three hours before my schedule, I was already waiting outside the company office, sitting like a trained dog in their mini lounge. I was sitting with a straight back and an envelope on my lap. I was like that for hours and the only part of my body that was moving are my eyes, watching every person that goes in and out of their door.

And when the HR showed her head through the door telling me it’s time, I went blank. The only thing I can hear is my inner bitch screaming “This is it! Don’t dare to fail. You go girl!”. 

When the HR started asking the common questions, I was still at ease. You know, the tell me more about yourself, your family, and your pet kinds of stuff.

But when the panel of Afams showed up to further the interview process, I became paralyzed. For just a minute, I tried to refresh all the English lessons I had back in my second year of college. I was trying to remember the proper use of nouns, pronouns, adjectives, verbs, and adverbs and how to properly arrange them in a sentence. 

Right there and then, I knew I will screw it up.

And I did. 

All thanks to the cup of Kopiko Brown coffee I took that morning and to my grammar-conscious native tongue.

And this very failure is just one of the many huge failures I did in my life. It’s no secret why I started this blog. I was one of the pioneers in double your money schemes way back in the year 2017 and I just thought that maybe, sharing my experience through this blog would spare other Pinoys from being future scaminees. 

I’d love to enumerate my deepest dips one by one but I’m afraid I could create a book or two for that. And I think it’s better to share the lessons I’ve got in those instead.

I hope you’re still with me at this moment. If you are, press 1. Don’t ask me why, just press it. 

I was too afraid of what would other people think of me

As humans, it’s already part of our primal instincts to belong ourselves in a group in order to survive. And so we live by the rules and the society’s norms. And this is one of the exact reasons for my failures. I was too afraid to come out as different. I have to conform to what society expects me to. Otherwise, I’ll be judged and ridiculed and that would put my self-esteem down. 

During my first job interview, I was too conscious of the way I speak English. I was too afraid of being judged or being a laughing stock. For years, I was stuck in an imaginary prison where I’d only get to eat if I abide by the rules even if I don’t totally understand the reasons behind it. It’s like pressing the number 1 just because someone told you so.

Simply, I failed because I was too afraid to fail.

I didn’t want to own my mistakes

There were times in my life where I blamed my failures on external circumstances. I did not acknowledge my flaws and blamed them on other people, society, weather, etc. And those little mistakes piled up and formed a huge snowball for bigger mistakes. 

See how I blamed the cup of Kopiko Brown during my job interview? Well, I used to curse that one cup and the other hundreds of cups before that that made me a nervous wreck.

Fail and learn from your mistakes already sounds cliche but that’s how you prevent yourself from failing for the same reason. And in order to do that, I have to acknowledge my mistakes and understand that I have full control of my results.

Deep down, I don’t think I deserve it

I may sound like a confident bitch flaunting my achievements on the first part, but I’m not as self-assured as you think I am. In fact, this is my first time disclosing my university accomplishments because I didn’t really think I deserve them. I was only doing the things a normal student should do. And I did that religiously and diligently because I was trying to preserve my scholarship grant. 

If you know me personally, you’d know I’m not the kind of person who shaves my achievements down your throat in order to gain your respect. I just want to be known and accepted for who I really am and not for what I can do. And I think there’s nothing wrong with that. At the same time though, this attitude prevented me from achieving the things I really want. Because deep down, I don’t think I deserve those.

Subconsciously, I was sabotaging my own success. 

Final Thoughts

If you’re a long-time reader, you’d know that I only write finance topics for the things I have the first-hand experience with. I don’t just churn out advice for the sake of keeping this website alive. And this advocacy is deeply rooted not in my biggest accomplishments but in my biggest mistakes.

And this is me, telling you that this very person at the other end of the screen is a series of failures who have successfully overcome those over time.

Looking back, I realized that my first job interview was meant to fail for the greater good. If I did not fail on that, I would not be on this path. No one would get the chance to read this very article. And like the other failures I have experienced, it was meant to happen in order for me to grow. 

And if I were to choose, I still want to experience that particular failure exactly the same way simply because it highly contributed to who I am now.

 

It was a humbling experience and it made me realize that it wasn’t really a failure. It was a redirection.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I still have to finish my third cup of Kopiko Brown for this day.